I came to a shocking realization whilst not moving from my couch all day long.
(Lies. I actually moved several times - Once to go back to bed for 2 hours, and a few more times to get either ginger ale or water or potato chips because those were the only food groups that I could keep down today.)
Anyway, back to my realization. I flirt like a 4th grade boy.
You know what I mean? When little boys chase little girls (or other little boys...ain't no shame in that game) all over the playground, throwing dirt at them and calling them names and putting gum on their chairs and whatnot? That's me. Except I'm a 23 year-old girl. So instead of gum and dirt I throw dirty looks and caustic sarcasm. Nice.
There's a reason I thought internet dating was the way to go - I could put all of my dickishness out there, right up front. Guys knew exactly what they were getting when they read my profile. I didn't have a chance to be all coy and smiley and flirty before killing my chances dead with bitchy snarkiness and the liberal use of the word 'douchebag.'
I swear to god I'm a nice person...as long as I don't find you remotely attractive.
Sunday, August 5, 2007
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Day I'm No Longer Counting
I don't think anyone still reads this, so I'm not all that concerned with that I say here. That said, this post will have nothing to do whatsoever with internet dating, because I haven't been winked at (or winked at anyone, the record should reflect) in like a month. I just wanted to put up a post about something that has really been on my mind lately:
Red Lobster.
So I dragged my besty Kristyn to the Lobster a few nights ago. I had never been there and was really craving some coconut shrimp - what can I say? I love my coconut shrimp. So first of all, we're greeted by the CREEPIEST woman I've ever met. She strides right up to Kris and goes "I knew you were going to show up!" and tries to shake Kris's hand. Kris looks at me as though she's not sure other people are seeing the same thing she is and shakes the woman hand. Let me digress - this crazy Red Lobster lady was extremely tiny and almost COMPLETELY bald - her hair was so thin I could see her entire skull. You know what ruins my appetite for coconut shrimp? Female baldness.
So anyway, we finally get a seat from someone with a full head of hair in what we were told was the non-smoking section. Except we were basically sitting in the bar where EVERYONE WAS SMOKING. Awesome.
Our waitress comes and cards us (standard) and takes our orders. Beer for me, pina colada for the lady and fried shrimp all around. We were SIKED.
Until the shrimp came. The shrimp itself was actually fine, but sweet jesus the dipping sauce smelled like frosting and ass. We both had about 4 shrimp and 7 french fries and gave up.
Then the bill comes. $40 for craptastic shrimp with ass-flavored frosting sauce. Are you joking?
Red Lobster: Friends off.
Red Lobster.
So I dragged my besty Kristyn to the Lobster a few nights ago. I had never been there and was really craving some coconut shrimp - what can I say? I love my coconut shrimp. So first of all, we're greeted by the CREEPIEST woman I've ever met. She strides right up to Kris and goes "I knew you were going to show up!" and tries to shake Kris's hand. Kris looks at me as though she's not sure other people are seeing the same thing she is and shakes the woman hand. Let me digress - this crazy Red Lobster lady was extremely tiny and almost COMPLETELY bald - her hair was so thin I could see her entire skull. You know what ruins my appetite for coconut shrimp? Female baldness.
So anyway, we finally get a seat from someone with a full head of hair in what we were told was the non-smoking section. Except we were basically sitting in the bar where EVERYONE WAS SMOKING. Awesome.
Our waitress comes and cards us (standard) and takes our orders. Beer for me, pina colada for the lady and fried shrimp all around. We were SIKED.
Until the shrimp came. The shrimp itself was actually fine, but sweet jesus the dipping sauce smelled like frosting and ass. We both had about 4 shrimp and 7 french fries and gave up.
Then the bill comes. $40 for craptastic shrimp with ass-flavored frosting sauce. Are you joking?
Red Lobster: Friends off.
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Day 55
Oh geez.
Again, my apologies for the lengthy delay in posting. I promise I'll start posting more when SOMEONE NORMAL WINKS AT ME.
I'm not going to lie to you, I thought we had a winner there for a minute on Sunday. A chubby, somewhat balding guy actually wrote me an interesting, somewhat funny email that was 100% emoticon-free. SCORE! (But seriously. I LOVE chubby, balding funny guys.)
I was SO excited I wrote back almost immediately, which hasn't happened since that nightmare with the guy who wanted to date his cleaning lady or whatever. He (Brandon, not the bizarro cleaning lady guy) had mentioned in his first email that he owned a Wii and so therefore could teach me how to play video games, and in my response I mentioned that I was excited about that.
Then, in his response to MY response (try to keep up) he drops the bomb: he was one of the guys who camped out overnight to purchase said Wii.
Umm. Yeah. About that.
I was kind of hoping that by saying I was interested in learning how to play video games in my profile I would find myself a nice guy with a PS2 who would teach me the basics of Madden 06 or something. I was NOT hoping for one of those weirdos who love "gaming" so much that they (a) consider it a legitimate sport and (b) sleep outside a Best Buy IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WINTER to spend hundreds of dollars on a "system." The whole thing smells of creepiness and dirty laundry (you know, because his mom hasn't done it yet. Because he still lives at home. Ick.)
But you know what guys? You would be proud of me. I didn't write him off right then and there. No, I pushed passed that giant warning sign and pretended that I was okay with the fact that he has probably at one point in his life tried to earn money as a "professional" gamer.
So we'll skip to the next paragraph of his response, in which he asked me if I had heard of/was a fan of Eddie Izzard, the British cross-dressing stand-up comedian.
Why yes, yes I had heard of Eddia Izzard I told him in my response. And though I liked him, I thought Mitch Hedberg was awesome and (though I fully admitted that he was kind of played out) I told him that I thought Dane Cook was hilarious.
Fast forward to this afternoon. I'm greeted with an email from The Gamer which went on at length about video games (JESUS BRANDON. I'm a girl you're trying to date, not your 13 year old brother!) I come to this lovely paragraph:
"What I don't understand is how you can like Dane Cook. He's one of the least funny people I've ever heard. I'm not going to lie, you lose a few points in my eyes for thinking he's hilarious."
Ok. First of all, since when did we start with this whole points system thing? Puka Shells seems to think that we, too are on a points system: "score a huge point for lking beer... you could have gotten two huge points if you were more into sports, but you really only have to be around me a short time and you'll get ur point... "
Puka shells, let's use the spell check, shall we? And to the both of you...ENOUGH WITH THE POINTS. We're not competing here, and if we were, you would both lose BIG TIME for either (a) flagrant abuse of shell necklaces or (b) still being obsessed with video games when you are 26 YEARS OLD. It's just such a ridiculous way to make conversation/to let me know how you feel about my likes and dislikes. And you know what, Gamer Face? You just lost ALL your points that you had won with me for being the only semi-funny guy to contact me via match.com simply for being an arrogant ass who literally writes people off for liking something or someone different than you do.
And for the record, Dane Cook IS hilarious. If you don't laugh at his description of working the Burger King drive-thru, I don't want to be your friend, much less your internet girlfriend.
Just goes to show, you're not getting in to the BK Lounge of Sarah's love without coups. Not without coups.
Again, my apologies for the lengthy delay in posting. I promise I'll start posting more when SOMEONE NORMAL WINKS AT ME.
I'm not going to lie to you, I thought we had a winner there for a minute on Sunday. A chubby, somewhat balding guy actually wrote me an interesting, somewhat funny email that was 100% emoticon-free. SCORE! (But seriously. I LOVE chubby, balding funny guys.)
I was SO excited I wrote back almost immediately, which hasn't happened since that nightmare with the guy who wanted to date his cleaning lady or whatever. He (Brandon, not the bizarro cleaning lady guy) had mentioned in his first email that he owned a Wii and so therefore could teach me how to play video games, and in my response I mentioned that I was excited about that.
Then, in his response to MY response (try to keep up) he drops the bomb: he was one of the guys who camped out overnight to purchase said Wii.
Umm. Yeah. About that.
I was kind of hoping that by saying I was interested in learning how to play video games in my profile I would find myself a nice guy with a PS2 who would teach me the basics of Madden 06 or something. I was NOT hoping for one of those weirdos who love "gaming" so much that they (a) consider it a legitimate sport and (b) sleep outside a Best Buy IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WINTER to spend hundreds of dollars on a "system." The whole thing smells of creepiness and dirty laundry (you know, because his mom hasn't done it yet. Because he still lives at home. Ick.)
But you know what guys? You would be proud of me. I didn't write him off right then and there. No, I pushed passed that giant warning sign and pretended that I was okay with the fact that he has probably at one point in his life tried to earn money as a "professional" gamer.
So we'll skip to the next paragraph of his response, in which he asked me if I had heard of/was a fan of Eddie Izzard, the British cross-dressing stand-up comedian.
Why yes, yes I had heard of Eddia Izzard I told him in my response. And though I liked him, I thought Mitch Hedberg was awesome and (though I fully admitted that he was kind of played out) I told him that I thought Dane Cook was hilarious.
Fast forward to this afternoon. I'm greeted with an email from The Gamer which went on at length about video games (JESUS BRANDON. I'm a girl you're trying to date, not your 13 year old brother!) I come to this lovely paragraph:
"What I don't understand is how you can like Dane Cook. He's one of the least funny people I've ever heard. I'm not going to lie, you lose a few points in my eyes for thinking he's hilarious."
Ok. First of all, since when did we start with this whole points system thing? Puka Shells seems to think that we, too are on a points system: "score a huge point for lking beer... you could have gotten two huge points if you were more into sports, but you really only have to be around me a short time and you'll get ur point... "
Puka shells, let's use the spell check, shall we? And to the both of you...ENOUGH WITH THE POINTS. We're not competing here, and if we were, you would both lose BIG TIME for either (a) flagrant abuse of shell necklaces or (b) still being obsessed with video games when you are 26 YEARS OLD. It's just such a ridiculous way to make conversation/to let me know how you feel about my likes and dislikes. And you know what, Gamer Face? You just lost ALL your points that you had won with me for being the only semi-funny guy to contact me via match.com simply for being an arrogant ass who literally writes people off for liking something or someone different than you do.
And for the record, Dane Cook IS hilarious. If you don't laugh at his description of working the Burger King drive-thru, I don't want to be your friend, much less your internet girlfriend.
Just goes to show, you're not getting in to the BK Lounge of Sarah's love without coups. Not without coups.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Day 47
I'm so sorry I've left all...none of you hanging for almost 2 weeks. I would have posted, but...well, there's literally nothing new to post. I've been exchanging emails with a guy named JD who seems very nice and normal but...well, I'll shoot you straight. He's wearing puka shells in his profile picture.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not going to immediately write this guy off for puka shells. Puka shells are not on the same level as emoticons, or excessive exclamation points, or 35 year-olds who "often visit my folks up here in Naperville on Sundays, Would you be up for a drink or movie tonight!?" and who then give me their phone number and sign off "hope to talk to you soon Gorgeous." Ok...I've never seen a more blatant attempt at a 1 night stand in my entire life. And where would we have this 1 night stand? HIS PARENTS' HOUSE? Awesome.
But back to the puka shells. In my experience, every single guy I've ever met over the age of 16 who wears puka shells is a gigantic tool. I mean, ENORMOUS. Like frosts-his-tips, wears-overly-tight-ringer-tees-with-lame-suggestive-phrases-like-"grab-a-girl-pack-the-car-pitch-a-tent," doesn't-drink-beer-because-he's-afraid-it-will-go-straight-to-his-man-boobs TOOL. I'll let it slide and keep you posted on how it goes, but I'm not overly optimistic.
IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE: I just googled Abercrombie, because guys who shop at that store epitomize my reasons for the puka shell aversion, and the shirts that they have are honest to God the most ridiculous things I have ever seen. Some of my favorites include:
- "I'm a nice guy...I'll finish last."
- "I'll make you a star on the walk of shame."
- "Sex without love is just exercise"
- and every one's favorite "Abercrombie: Sexy never left."
If I ever meet the person who came up with these slogans, I will not hesitate for a second before punching him or her directly in the baby maker. DIRECTLY.
I guess that's all for now.
Why does Abercrombie even exist?
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not going to immediately write this guy off for puka shells. Puka shells are not on the same level as emoticons, or excessive exclamation points, or 35 year-olds who "often visit my folks up here in Naperville on Sundays, Would you be up for a drink or movie tonight!?" and who then give me their phone number and sign off "hope to talk to you soon Gorgeous." Ok...I've never seen a more blatant attempt at a 1 night stand in my entire life. And where would we have this 1 night stand? HIS PARENTS' HOUSE? Awesome.
But back to the puka shells. In my experience, every single guy I've ever met over the age of 16 who wears puka shells is a gigantic tool. I mean, ENORMOUS. Like frosts-his-tips, wears-overly-tight-ringer-tees-with-lame-suggestive-phrases-like-"grab-a-girl-pack-the-car-pitch-a-tent," doesn't-drink-beer-because-he's-afraid-it-will-go-straight-to-his-man-boobs TOOL. I'll let it slide and keep you posted on how it goes, but I'm not overly optimistic.
IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE: I just googled Abercrombie, because guys who shop at that store epitomize my reasons for the puka shell aversion, and the shirts that they have are honest to God the most ridiculous things I have ever seen. Some of my favorites include:
- "I'm a nice guy...I'll finish last."
- "I'll make you a star on the walk of shame."
- "Sex without love is just exercise"
- and every one's favorite "Abercrombie: Sexy never left."
If I ever meet the person who came up with these slogans, I will not hesitate for a second before punching him or her directly in the baby maker. DIRECTLY.
I guess that's all for now.
Why does Abercrombie even exist?
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Day 36
There's nothing new to report (including anything having to do with the hot guy that winked at me...worst) so instead I give you the 2nd email that the crazy cleaning lady man sent me. (I've left his name at the end so that if you ever meet a Mike from Arlington Heights, IL, you can RUN, not walk, in the opposite direction. Honestly - WHY IS HE TELLING ME ABOUT HIS STAINED SHEETS??) This is one for the record books, kids...
"my cleaning lady was AMAZING. Before she came over, I made coffee. I was sittin on the couch and she offered to bring a cup when it was done. She offered to change my sheets....not because of the huge stain but as a nice gesture. hahaha. (my own jokes are hilarious) OH after she brought me the coffee she cleaned the inside of the coffee maker and threw out the grains. SHe also organized the food in my fridge...haha label out. Great day yesterday! Now, time to recover from too many budlights. talk to ya - Mike"
Aaaaand we're done.
"my cleaning lady was AMAZING. Before she came over, I made coffee. I was sittin on the couch and she offered to bring a cup when it was done. She offered to change my sheets....not because of the huge stain but as a nice gesture. hahaha. (my own jokes are hilarious) OH after she brought me the coffee she cleaned the inside of the coffee maker and threw out the grains. SHe also organized the food in my fridge...haha label out. Great day yesterday! Now, time to recover from too many budlights. talk to ya - Mike"
Aaaaand we're done.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Day 34
A really attractive guy, who is in my age range, winked at me today.
I'm in uncharted waters here, folks.
Out of my element. Slightly nervous. A little nauseous.
I'm due at a GORGEOUS friend's house in 30 minutes...I'll ask her how to proceed and get back to you.
I mean...wow. He is HOT. Like, conventionally hot.
And NOT ONE EMOTICON ANYWHERE TO BE FOUND IN THE PROFILE.
It's a Tuesday afternoon miracle!
I'm in uncharted waters here, folks.
Out of my element. Slightly nervous. A little nauseous.
I'm due at a GORGEOUS friend's house in 30 minutes...I'll ask her how to proceed and get back to you.
I mean...wow. He is HOT. Like, conventionally hot.
And NOT ONE EMOTICON ANYWHERE TO BE FOUND IN THE PROFILE.
It's a Tuesday afternoon miracle!
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Day 32
In the cut-and-paste spirit of the weekend, I give you the email I just got from one of the two guys whose winks I returned on Friday.
"So i just moved into my condo a few weeks ago and have been thinking about getting a cleaning lady for the heck of it for almost a month. My place is no where near the level for a cleaning lady but im really curious how well this they really clean. So I'm "treating" myself. Didnt stay out too late tonight, reserved some cash flow and forked over 50 bucks for a cleaning lady to come over at 9am and clean my condo from top to bottom. I guess i just had to tell someone cuz maybe im feelin guilty haha. So that's whats going on in my world......ahaha TOP THAT!"
Honest to god, I read that entire thing (up until the 2nd to last sentence...if you count the "ahaha TOP THAT" challenge as a sentence) thinking this guy was about to offer me $50 to clean his condo.
Why did he tell me this? Did he think this is what I mean by "genius-level pee-your-pants hilarity"?? Because telling me that you're too lazy to clean your gross condo isn't funny. I feel like he had to add the "ahaha" at the end just so that I knew he was kidding and trying to be funny...even though he wasn't kidding and it's not funny.
Yuck.
"So i just moved into my condo a few weeks ago and have been thinking about getting a cleaning lady for the heck of it for almost a month. My place is no where near the level for a cleaning lady but im really curious how well this they really clean. So I'm "treating" myself. Didnt stay out too late tonight, reserved some cash flow and forked over 50 bucks for a cleaning lady to come over at 9am and clean my condo from top to bottom. I guess i just had to tell someone cuz maybe im feelin guilty haha. So that's whats going on in my world......ahaha TOP THAT!"
Honest to god, I read that entire thing (up until the 2nd to last sentence...if you count the "ahaha TOP THAT" challenge as a sentence) thinking this guy was about to offer me $50 to clean his condo.
Why did he tell me this? Did he think this is what I mean by "genius-level pee-your-pants hilarity"?? Because telling me that you're too lazy to clean your gross condo isn't funny. I feel like he had to add the "ahaha" at the end just so that I knew he was kidding and trying to be funny...even though he wasn't kidding and it's not funny.
Yuck.
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