I'm so sorry I've left all...none of you hanging for almost 2 weeks. I would have posted, but...well, there's literally nothing new to post. I've been exchanging emails with a guy named JD who seems very nice and normal but...well, I'll shoot you straight. He's wearing puka shells in his profile picture.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not going to immediately write this guy off for puka shells. Puka shells are not on the same level as emoticons, or excessive exclamation points, or 35 year-olds who "often visit my folks up here in Naperville on Sundays, Would you be up for a drink or movie tonight!?" and who then give me their phone number and sign off "hope to talk to you soon Gorgeous." Ok...I've never seen a more blatant attempt at a 1 night stand in my entire life. And where would we have this 1 night stand? HIS PARENTS' HOUSE? Awesome.
But back to the puka shells. In my experience, every single guy I've ever met over the age of 16 who wears puka shells is a gigantic tool. I mean, ENORMOUS. Like frosts-his-tips, wears-overly-tight-ringer-tees-with-lame-suggestive-phrases-like-"grab-a-girl-pack-the-car-pitch-a-tent," doesn't-drink-beer-because-he's-afraid-it-will-go-straight-to-his-man-boobs TOOL. I'll let it slide and keep you posted on how it goes, but I'm not overly optimistic.
IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE: I just googled Abercrombie, because guys who shop at that store epitomize my reasons for the puka shell aversion, and the shirts that they have are honest to God the most ridiculous things I have ever seen. Some of my favorites include:
- "I'm a nice guy...I'll finish last."
- "I'll make you a star on the walk of shame."
- "Sex without love is just exercise"
- and every one's favorite "Abercrombie: Sexy never left."
If I ever meet the person who came up with these slogans, I will not hesitate for a second before punching him or her directly in the baby maker. DIRECTLY.
I guess that's all for now.
Why does Abercrombie even exist?
Monday, April 30, 2007
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Day 36
There's nothing new to report (including anything having to do with the hot guy that winked at me...worst) so instead I give you the 2nd email that the crazy cleaning lady man sent me. (I've left his name at the end so that if you ever meet a Mike from Arlington Heights, IL, you can RUN, not walk, in the opposite direction. Honestly - WHY IS HE TELLING ME ABOUT HIS STAINED SHEETS??) This is one for the record books, kids...
"my cleaning lady was AMAZING. Before she came over, I made coffee. I was sittin on the couch and she offered to bring a cup when it was done. She offered to change my sheets....not because of the huge stain but as a nice gesture. hahaha. (my own jokes are hilarious) OH after she brought me the coffee she cleaned the inside of the coffee maker and threw out the grains. SHe also organized the food in my fridge...haha label out. Great day yesterday! Now, time to recover from too many budlights. talk to ya - Mike"
Aaaaand we're done.
"my cleaning lady was AMAZING. Before she came over, I made coffee. I was sittin on the couch and she offered to bring a cup when it was done. She offered to change my sheets....not because of the huge stain but as a nice gesture. hahaha. (my own jokes are hilarious) OH after she brought me the coffee she cleaned the inside of the coffee maker and threw out the grains. SHe also organized the food in my fridge...haha label out. Great day yesterday! Now, time to recover from too many budlights. talk to ya - Mike"
Aaaaand we're done.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Day 34
A really attractive guy, who is in my age range, winked at me today.
I'm in uncharted waters here, folks.
Out of my element. Slightly nervous. A little nauseous.
I'm due at a GORGEOUS friend's house in 30 minutes...I'll ask her how to proceed and get back to you.
I mean...wow. He is HOT. Like, conventionally hot.
And NOT ONE EMOTICON ANYWHERE TO BE FOUND IN THE PROFILE.
It's a Tuesday afternoon miracle!
I'm in uncharted waters here, folks.
Out of my element. Slightly nervous. A little nauseous.
I'm due at a GORGEOUS friend's house in 30 minutes...I'll ask her how to proceed and get back to you.
I mean...wow. He is HOT. Like, conventionally hot.
And NOT ONE EMOTICON ANYWHERE TO BE FOUND IN THE PROFILE.
It's a Tuesday afternoon miracle!
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Day 32
In the cut-and-paste spirit of the weekend, I give you the email I just got from one of the two guys whose winks I returned on Friday.
"So i just moved into my condo a few weeks ago and have been thinking about getting a cleaning lady for the heck of it for almost a month. My place is no where near the level for a cleaning lady but im really curious how well this they really clean. So I'm "treating" myself. Didnt stay out too late tonight, reserved some cash flow and forked over 50 bucks for a cleaning lady to come over at 9am and clean my condo from top to bottom. I guess i just had to tell someone cuz maybe im feelin guilty haha. So that's whats going on in my world......ahaha TOP THAT!"
Honest to god, I read that entire thing (up until the 2nd to last sentence...if you count the "ahaha TOP THAT" challenge as a sentence) thinking this guy was about to offer me $50 to clean his condo.
Why did he tell me this? Did he think this is what I mean by "genius-level pee-your-pants hilarity"?? Because telling me that you're too lazy to clean your gross condo isn't funny. I feel like he had to add the "ahaha" at the end just so that I knew he was kidding and trying to be funny...even though he wasn't kidding and it's not funny.
Yuck.
"So i just moved into my condo a few weeks ago and have been thinking about getting a cleaning lady for the heck of it for almost a month. My place is no where near the level for a cleaning lady but im really curious how well this they really clean. So I'm "treating" myself. Didnt stay out too late tonight, reserved some cash flow and forked over 50 bucks for a cleaning lady to come over at 9am and clean my condo from top to bottom. I guess i just had to tell someone cuz maybe im feelin guilty haha. So that's whats going on in my world......ahaha TOP THAT!"
Honest to god, I read that entire thing (up until the 2nd to last sentence...if you count the "ahaha TOP THAT" challenge as a sentence) thinking this guy was about to offer me $50 to clean his condo.
Why did he tell me this? Did he think this is what I mean by "genius-level pee-your-pants hilarity"?? Because telling me that you're too lazy to clean your gross condo isn't funny. I feel like he had to add the "ahaha" at the end just so that I knew he was kidding and trying to be funny...even though he wasn't kidding and it's not funny.
Yuck.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Day 30
As a Friday treat, and because I'm way burned out from the all-day sales conference I had today, I'm just going to give you the entirety of the profile of one of the 4 (!!) guys that winked at me today:
I love to meet a pertner in life, some willing to go the long distance. Respect should be important. work through thick and thin. We will have our ups and downs what ever we make of it. Some that is not self centered. but thinks of me. For i will think of her and how to bless her heart. Open minded. Most of all loving, merciful, compationate. and again we can at it nobody is perfect. i cant change a person, but i can be there for her :).. I can help with love and understaning.
Enough said.
Happy weekend everybody!
I love to meet a pertner in life, some willing to go the long distance. Respect should be important. work through thick and thin. We will have our ups and downs what ever we make of it. Some that is not self centered. but thinks of me. For i will think of her and how to bless her heart. Open minded. Most of all loving, merciful, compationate. and again we can at it nobody is perfect. i cant change a person, but i can be there for her :).. I can help with love and understaning.
Enough said.
Happy weekend everybody!
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Day 30
I’m confused.
2 guys winked at me today (yay!) both were actually pretty cute (yay!) and neither used emoticons anywhere in their profiles (YAY!)
So one is 25 and I think I’ll definitely wink back, even though he made the classic their/there mistake in his profile which kind of bugs me. Not as much as emoticons, but still…I get the feeling that I’m being a bit too picky with these guys, so I’ve decided to try to be a little nicer…at least to their cyberfaces. I hope you understand that I am still going to rip them apart here in my little corner of cyber…space. Huh. Well that’s not at all a witty combo of the word “cyber” with some other word. Shoot.
Anyway, I’ll let you know how that goes.
The reason I am confused is because of the other guy:
1) He’s 22. My age range is 23-30. But that’s not actually what’s weird to me.
2) He is an atheist who doesn’t drink. (I guess this doesn’t really confuse me either; I just thought it was interesting.)
3) He lists his body type as “heavy set.” He is not at ALL heavy set. He is decidedly “about average” or possibly even “athletic and toned” though I can’t say for sure because all of his pictures involve him wearing a shirt. I don’t understand!
4) He spells European “Euripean” and stubborn “stuburn” yet he says he “just graduated from college.” Is that even possible?
5) In one of his pictures he is holding (I am not making this up) THE WORLD’S LARGEST MACHETE. Now, I don’t know if it is, in fact, the world’s largest machete. In all fairness, I could be making that part up. But from the looks of it, it measures about 1 ½ feet wide and like 4 feet long. It looks like an extremely sharp, extremely large cookie sheet on a stick. WHAT??
6) He’s only 4 inches taller than me, and I’m 5’2”. You do the math. (Seriously, you do it. When I tried to figure out how old someone was when they passed away today, I came up with 66, which is fine, except he was born in 1945 and died in 2007.)
I feel like maybe someone posted this profile as a joke. I mean, let’s look at the facts: 22, can’t spell, doesn’t understand what “heavy set” means, very, very tiny and posts pictures of himself wielding a giant knife? IT JUST DOESN’T ADD UP.
Like I said, I’m confused.
2 guys winked at me today (yay!) both were actually pretty cute (yay!) and neither used emoticons anywhere in their profiles (YAY!)
So one is 25 and I think I’ll definitely wink back, even though he made the classic their/there mistake in his profile which kind of bugs me. Not as much as emoticons, but still…I get the feeling that I’m being a bit too picky with these guys, so I’ve decided to try to be a little nicer…at least to their cyberfaces. I hope you understand that I am still going to rip them apart here in my little corner of cyber…space. Huh. Well that’s not at all a witty combo of the word “cyber” with some other word. Shoot.
Anyway, I’ll let you know how that goes.
The reason I am confused is because of the other guy:
1) He’s 22. My age range is 23-30. But that’s not actually what’s weird to me.
2) He is an atheist who doesn’t drink. (I guess this doesn’t really confuse me either; I just thought it was interesting.)
3) He lists his body type as “heavy set.” He is not at ALL heavy set. He is decidedly “about average” or possibly even “athletic and toned” though I can’t say for sure because all of his pictures involve him wearing a shirt. I don’t understand!
4) He spells European “Euripean” and stubborn “stuburn” yet he says he “just graduated from college.” Is that even possible?
5) In one of his pictures he is holding (I am not making this up) THE WORLD’S LARGEST MACHETE. Now, I don’t know if it is, in fact, the world’s largest machete. In all fairness, I could be making that part up. But from the looks of it, it measures about 1 ½ feet wide and like 4 feet long. It looks like an extremely sharp, extremely large cookie sheet on a stick. WHAT??
6) He’s only 4 inches taller than me, and I’m 5’2”. You do the math. (Seriously, you do it. When I tried to figure out how old someone was when they passed away today, I came up with 66, which is fine, except he was born in 1945 and died in 2007.)
I feel like maybe someone posted this profile as a joke. I mean, let’s look at the facts: 22, can’t spell, doesn’t understand what “heavy set” means, very, very tiny and posts pictures of himself wielding a giant knife? IT JUST DOESN’T ADD UP.
Like I said, I’m confused.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Day 29
I only need to say 2 things.
1) I got an email last night from the powers-that-be at match.com informing me that either my headline (which, as we all know, I had just tried to alter) or my username was not up to match.com’s rigorous standards.
Now, I don’t know if I’ve mentioned what my username is before this, so let me tell you a little story.
When I first decided to sign up for this cyber lovefest, the very first thing they ask of you is to come up with a username. Now, I know I’ve mentioned some real classics prior to this post (“psycho” and “chicagohunk21” both spring to mind) but I didn’t really understand at this (apparently) critical first crossroads that I was coming up with a username that other people would actually see (I’m hoping “psycho” made the same mistake, but I think that hope died with the completion of his full-sleeve tats.)
Anyway, first I tried to use literally my entire name, which coincidentally is also my gmail address. Thank GOD that was already in use, most likely by someone else who reeeeally didn’t get the whole match.com setup. So I settled on RileySG, my last name and my first 2 initials. When I finally did figure out that legit every guy who looked at my profile saw my username, I was admittedly a little weirded out. I mean, these dudes live within a few miles of me. How hard could it be for that medieval knight to use his medieval tracking skills and come galloping in to my living room late one night, swords blazing? But typical Sarah…I spent like 2 minutes dwelling on it and then Lost was on and I was checked out. Never really thought about it again.
Which brings us back to last night’s email. Now, wouldn’t it have been awesome if match.com separated two COMPLETELY UNRELATED issues (headlines and usernames) so that you could easier decipher what the problem was? Yes, it would be awesome, but no, match.com prefers to combine as much as possible in as few emails as possible. Awesome.
So since I had just changed my headline to “Awesomeness and Hilarity Required” I skimmed through the headline requirements and even though:
1) It wasn’t sexually explicit or profane
2) It was in English
3) It didn’t solicit, and
4) It had no detailed personal information i.e. last names, phone numbers, etc.
I obviously still thought, “Well, it’s gotta be the headline” which I promptly logged on and switched to “What was all that one in a million talk?” which actually I like better.
And then I read through the requirements again. And number 4 REEEEALLY popped out at me. And then I logged on and changed my username to just my initials and my age.
I mean, I would feel stupid about the whole thing if it hadn’t taken match.com A FULL 4 WEEKS to realize that my username wasn’t appropriate. Come on! I could have been skewered on the end of a jousting…stick (or whatever they call them) by now!
But I got a better headline out of it, so really it was a win-win.
2) I had a dream last night in which I had a date with a match.com person and it turned out it was Danny DeVito. My dad was really excited for me. I was whatever the opposite of really excited is.
He did give me a really cool pair of tennis shoes though (Danny, not my dad.)
1) I got an email last night from the powers-that-be at match.com informing me that either my headline (which, as we all know, I had just tried to alter) or my username was not up to match.com’s rigorous standards.
Now, I don’t know if I’ve mentioned what my username is before this, so let me tell you a little story.
When I first decided to sign up for this cyber lovefest, the very first thing they ask of you is to come up with a username. Now, I know I’ve mentioned some real classics prior to this post (“psycho” and “chicagohunk21” both spring to mind) but I didn’t really understand at this (apparently) critical first crossroads that I was coming up with a username that other people would actually see (I’m hoping “psycho” made the same mistake, but I think that hope died with the completion of his full-sleeve tats.)
Anyway, first I tried to use literally my entire name, which coincidentally is also my gmail address. Thank GOD that was already in use, most likely by someone else who reeeeally didn’t get the whole match.com setup. So I settled on RileySG, my last name and my first 2 initials. When I finally did figure out that legit every guy who looked at my profile saw my username, I was admittedly a little weirded out. I mean, these dudes live within a few miles of me. How hard could it be for that medieval knight to use his medieval tracking skills and come galloping in to my living room late one night, swords blazing? But typical Sarah…I spent like 2 minutes dwelling on it and then Lost was on and I was checked out. Never really thought about it again.
Which brings us back to last night’s email. Now, wouldn’t it have been awesome if match.com separated two COMPLETELY UNRELATED issues (headlines and usernames) so that you could easier decipher what the problem was? Yes, it would be awesome, but no, match.com prefers to combine as much as possible in as few emails as possible. Awesome.
So since I had just changed my headline to “Awesomeness and Hilarity Required” I skimmed through the headline requirements and even though:
1) It wasn’t sexually explicit or profane
2) It was in English
3) It didn’t solicit, and
4) It had no detailed personal information i.e. last names, phone numbers, etc.
I obviously still thought, “Well, it’s gotta be the headline” which I promptly logged on and switched to “What was all that one in a million talk?” which actually I like better.
And then I read through the requirements again. And number 4 REEEEALLY popped out at me. And then I logged on and changed my username to just my initials and my age.
I mean, I would feel stupid about the whole thing if it hadn’t taken match.com A FULL 4 WEEKS to realize that my username wasn’t appropriate. Come on! I could have been skewered on the end of a jousting…stick (or whatever they call them) by now!
But I got a better headline out of it, so really it was a win-win.
2) I had a dream last night in which I had a date with a match.com person and it turned out it was Danny DeVito. My dad was really excited for me. I was whatever the opposite of really excited is.
He did give me a really cool pair of tennis shoes though (Danny, not my dad.)
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Day 28
When I mentioned last week to a co-worker that I hadn’t been winked at in what felt like decades (actual time: 3 or 4 days) she told me I needed to update my profile so that I got cycled back up to the top of the cyberheap.
‘No!’ I cried. ‘I loooove my profile. It’s so witty and hilarious and awesome!’
And then I started thinking…It’s also crazy long, contains factual inaccuracies (I refer you to the penguin/mammal/bird debacle from last week) and is extremely, almost heart-breakingly specific…plus on 2nd glance it’s not that awesome. I also hated my ‘headline’ (‘Someone More Hilarious than Me.’) While it did state what exactly I am looking for, it also makes me sound like the arrogant bratface that I am…and we are NOT ready for all that cyber-man-meat to see my bratface. That is better saved for an in-person meeting…or marriage, whichever comes first.
So I did it.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you: My New Improved Profile. (Please note the blog shout-out at the bottom. You are welcome.)
Please feel free to leave comments as to how it could be improved upon. Also, as of right now my headline is as follows:
Awesomeness and Hilarity Required
How do we feel about that? I kind of hate it and I’m going to need to keep making these damn changes if I want to stay on top of the cyberheap, so for REALS this time, sent along some advice.
And now…my new profile:
Hi there! My name is Sarah and I love Caddyshack, Jack Black, dogs and Bud Light. I hate the dentist, emoticons, unnecessary exclamation points and the feel of raw meat. I was on a bowling team for 3 years in college called “Busch League Balls” but I still rarely break 100. I love elephants, sea otters, penguins and Law & Order. I like to sleep with a fan on, even in the dead of winter. My favorite meal is breakfast and my favorite restaurant is any establishment that serves breakfast 24 hours a day. I don’t care for zoos but I really like aquariums. Cats terrify me. I have bad dreams based solely on advertisements for horror movies, particularly all PG-13 scary movies like The Others or The Mothman Prophesies. I love champagne. I hate watching people make out on reality TV.
The only quality I really care about in my cybermate is absolute, genius-level, pee-your-pants hilarity. With that said, it would be tremendous if he were also smart and okay with teaching me how to play video games. I see him as the kind of person who practices his golf swing in his living room while watching the Masters but doesn't actually play golf; however, if he could help me with my goal of breaking 100 at the ol’ alley, that would be fantastic. He is outgoing and charming and he can fix things like my toilet that flushes roughly 12 times for every one time I push down the handle. He likes his parents. He is, generally speaking, awesome.
(Side note: The above qualities are merely loose guidelines. If you play golf and are hilarious, or if you aren’t in to fixing toilets and are hilarious, or if you don’t look like Jack Black and are hilarious, that’s totally fine with me. Awesomeness and hilarity are non-negotiable, though. Sorry Un-Funny Lame Guy.)
It’s okay to look, guys. It’s also okay to wink.
------------------------------
Ok now that I’ve read it I kind of still hate it.
I’ll leave it for now, but honestly. SEND SOME ADVICE. I’m struggling here with my lack of winks and trying-too-hard-profiles.
‘No!’ I cried. ‘I loooove my profile. It’s so witty and hilarious and awesome!’
And then I started thinking…It’s also crazy long, contains factual inaccuracies (I refer you to the penguin/mammal/bird debacle from last week) and is extremely, almost heart-breakingly specific…plus on 2nd glance it’s not that awesome. I also hated my ‘headline’ (‘Someone More Hilarious than Me.’) While it did state what exactly I am looking for, it also makes me sound like the arrogant bratface that I am…and we are NOT ready for all that cyber-man-meat to see my bratface. That is better saved for an in-person meeting…or marriage, whichever comes first.
So I did it.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you: My New Improved Profile. (Please note the blog shout-out at the bottom. You are welcome.)
Please feel free to leave comments as to how it could be improved upon. Also, as of right now my headline is as follows:
Awesomeness and Hilarity Required
How do we feel about that? I kind of hate it and I’m going to need to keep making these damn changes if I want to stay on top of the cyberheap, so for REALS this time, sent along some advice.
And now…my new profile:
Hi there! My name is Sarah and I love Caddyshack, Jack Black, dogs and Bud Light. I hate the dentist, emoticons, unnecessary exclamation points and the feel of raw meat. I was on a bowling team for 3 years in college called “Busch League Balls” but I still rarely break 100. I love elephants, sea otters, penguins and Law & Order. I like to sleep with a fan on, even in the dead of winter. My favorite meal is breakfast and my favorite restaurant is any establishment that serves breakfast 24 hours a day. I don’t care for zoos but I really like aquariums. Cats terrify me. I have bad dreams based solely on advertisements for horror movies, particularly all PG-13 scary movies like The Others or The Mothman Prophesies. I love champagne. I hate watching people make out on reality TV.
The only quality I really care about in my cybermate is absolute, genius-level, pee-your-pants hilarity. With that said, it would be tremendous if he were also smart and okay with teaching me how to play video games. I see him as the kind of person who practices his golf swing in his living room while watching the Masters but doesn't actually play golf; however, if he could help me with my goal of breaking 100 at the ol’ alley, that would be fantastic. He is outgoing and charming and he can fix things like my toilet that flushes roughly 12 times for every one time I push down the handle. He likes his parents. He is, generally speaking, awesome.
(Side note: The above qualities are merely loose guidelines. If you play golf and are hilarious, or if you aren’t in to fixing toilets and are hilarious, or if you don’t look like Jack Black and are hilarious, that’s totally fine with me. Awesomeness and hilarity are non-negotiable, though. Sorry Un-Funny Lame Guy.)
It’s okay to look, guys. It’s also okay to wink.
------------------------------
Ok now that I’ve read it I kind of still hate it.
I’ll leave it for now, but honestly. SEND SOME ADVICE. I’m struggling here with my lack of winks and trying-too-hard-profiles.
Thursday, April 5, 2007
Day 23
Still nothing from "Adam." Or just Adam, I guess.
Did I wait too long and now cyberlove has passed me by?
I feel like things move a heck of a lot quicker in Matchland than they do in the real world (not the ACTUAL real world, where hot 20-year-olds get together in a big mansion and sleep with one another/decide to be in one another's weddings/engage in just SCADS of girl-on-girl action minute 9 of their first day in Denver, but the real world in which I scam on cyber dudes and then pointedly ignore them for 5 days.)
That whole 5 day thing…I think that wasn't my best choice.
But you know what, Adam? YOU try to cyberflirt with your father strapping on his rollerblades not 3 feet behind you, chatting away about when your flight takes off! That shit isn't easy – Plus, I don't want to have to explain you when I haven't even AIM-chatted with you yet, much less met you face-to-face. My parents don't need to meet ANOTHER internet boyfriend, okay?
(Side note: I more or less started dating my last boyfriend via AIM…IN MY DEFENSE though, I met him face-to-face before we ever started chatting online. Once. When we were both kind of (very) hung over. And he didn't really remember me when I IMd him. Whatever it's not important.)
Ugh I am VERY disappointed with online dating in general right now.
Maybe I'll try eHarmony. I've always really liked Natalie Cole's "This Will Be (An Everlasting Love)" It's practically my theme song…that, or (their asterisk, not mine) "This is F*cking Tragic" by The Impossibles.
(Yup, never actually heard of that song or The Impossibles, but that's what came up when I Googled "my life is tragic, lyrics." Waaa waaaa.)
Plus, what says "love" more than a bunch of somewhat awkward couples standing around talking about their even MORE awkward first kisses?
Certainly not Adam…
Oh, also - I'm going out of town yet again this weekend, so I won't be posting 'til Monday - Hopefully by then Adam will either (a) have written me back or (b) have deactivated his account because he unexpectedly died, thereby totally explaining why he didn't write me back.
Kidding!
(Kind of...)
Did I wait too long and now cyberlove has passed me by?
I feel like things move a heck of a lot quicker in Matchland than they do in the real world (not the ACTUAL real world, where hot 20-year-olds get together in a big mansion and sleep with one another/decide to be in one another's weddings/engage in just SCADS of girl-on-girl action minute 9 of their first day in Denver, but the real world in which I scam on cyber dudes and then pointedly ignore them for 5 days.)
That whole 5 day thing…I think that wasn't my best choice.
But you know what, Adam? YOU try to cyberflirt with your father strapping on his rollerblades not 3 feet behind you, chatting away about when your flight takes off! That shit isn't easy – Plus, I don't want to have to explain you when I haven't even AIM-chatted with you yet, much less met you face-to-face. My parents don't need to meet ANOTHER internet boyfriend, okay?
(Side note: I more or less started dating my last boyfriend via AIM…IN MY DEFENSE though, I met him face-to-face before we ever started chatting online. Once. When we were both kind of (very) hung over. And he didn't really remember me when I IMd him. Whatever it's not important.)
Ugh I am VERY disappointed with online dating in general right now.
Maybe I'll try eHarmony. I've always really liked Natalie Cole's "This Will Be (An Everlasting Love)" It's practically my theme song…that, or (their asterisk, not mine) "This is F*cking Tragic" by The Impossibles.
(Yup, never actually heard of that song or The Impossibles, but that's what came up when I Googled "my life is tragic, lyrics." Waaa waaaa.)
Plus, what says "love" more than a bunch of somewhat awkward couples standing around talking about their even MORE awkward first kisses?
Certainly not Adam…
Oh, also - I'm going out of town yet again this weekend, so I won't be posting 'til Monday - Hopefully by then Adam will either (a) have written me back or (b) have deactivated his account because he unexpectedly died, thereby totally explaining why he didn't write me back.
Kidding!
(Kind of...)
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
Day 22
I responded to the email that the 26-year-old, non-emoticon-using (at least as far as I know) guy sent me (we'll call him Adam…because that is his name) answering the few questions he posed in his first email:
Adam: Do you live in east or west Aurora?
Sarah: Uhhh…well….if you...and then...What?
Sarah's actual answer: I live...excellent question. I actually just moved down here from Minnesota about 6 months ago and to be perfectly honest I STILL don't really know what's what. I live right next to Naperville - about 5 city blocks down from 59 - So...east Aurora? Yeah, we're going to go with east Aurora.
Adam: How long have you lived here?
Sarah: I already answered that above. (This was my actual answer. I had, in fact, already answered that question, and the answer was, in fact, located above this one.)
Adam: Do you ever go to downtown Naperville or do you just head down to the city?
Sarah: I hate the city and everyone in it.
Sarah's actual answer (even though the one above is closer to the truth): I actually rarely get down to the city - I hate the traffic and I actually have closer friends out here, so I tend to stay out this way. I go out in Naperville a lot, actually. Definitely more than Chicago. I like some of the bars around here - I love the Foundry actually. It's pretty close to my apartment and I'm a big beer drinker, so obviously the first thing I did when I moved here was buy one of their mugs...and then forget it at the bar that same night. So now I'm on mug #2...I've managed to hang out to it through several nights out, so I'm feeling pretty good about it.
Adam: I'm interested in learning more about you.
Sarah: THEN WHY HAVEN'T YOU RESPONDED TO MY EMAIL?
I mean, I was witty if a little…uhh...well, stupid (I mean really, who doesn't know what part of Aurora they live in?) I was charming if a little booze-hound-sounding (perhaps I should have left out the part about getting a bit too "dizzy" (as my co-worker calls it) and leaving my giant mug at the bar…But that thing cost me like $15 of my hard-earned money and I think it's loss warrants a mention.) I was well-spoken if a touch heavy on the use of the word "actually" in paragraph #3. All in all I think it was a successful email.
And by successful I mean he hasn't responded.
I feel fat and insecure.
Disclaimer: I know that "technically" I should give him as much time to respond to me as it took me to respond to him…which would be…wait for it I need to check the time stamp on the email…carry the 1…5 days, but that's not my style. Things we have learned about Sarah in the past 24 hours: She hates being corrected, she is not patient and when she gets rejected by someone on an online dating service she quotes the country-singing Iranian princess from the amazing but ill-fated E! reality classic, " Love is in the Heir."
Oh Ann Claire. You always knew just what to say.
Adam: Do you live in east or west Aurora?
Sarah: Uhhh…well….if you...and then...What?
Sarah's actual answer: I live...excellent question. I actually just moved down here from Minnesota about 6 months ago and to be perfectly honest I STILL don't really know what's what. I live right next to Naperville - about 5 city blocks down from 59 - So...east Aurora? Yeah, we're going to go with east Aurora.
Adam: How long have you lived here?
Sarah: I already answered that above. (This was my actual answer. I had, in fact, already answered that question, and the answer was, in fact, located above this one.)
Adam: Do you ever go to downtown Naperville or do you just head down to the city?
Sarah: I hate the city and everyone in it.
Sarah's actual answer (even though the one above is closer to the truth): I actually rarely get down to the city - I hate the traffic and I actually have closer friends out here, so I tend to stay out this way. I go out in Naperville a lot, actually. Definitely more than Chicago. I like some of the bars around here - I love the Foundry actually. It's pretty close to my apartment and I'm a big beer drinker, so obviously the first thing I did when I moved here was buy one of their mugs...and then forget it at the bar that same night. So now I'm on mug #2...I've managed to hang out to it through several nights out, so I'm feeling pretty good about it.
Adam: I'm interested in learning more about you.
Sarah: THEN WHY HAVEN'T YOU RESPONDED TO MY EMAIL?
I mean, I was witty if a little…uhh...well, stupid (I mean really, who doesn't know what part of Aurora they live in?) I was charming if a little booze-hound-sounding (perhaps I should have left out the part about getting a bit too "dizzy" (as my co-worker calls it) and leaving my giant mug at the bar…But that thing cost me like $15 of my hard-earned money and I think it's loss warrants a mention.) I was well-spoken if a touch heavy on the use of the word "actually" in paragraph #3. All in all I think it was a successful email.
And by successful I mean he hasn't responded.
I feel fat and insecure.
Disclaimer: I know that "technically" I should give him as much time to respond to me as it took me to respond to him…which would be…wait for it I need to check the time stamp on the email…carry the 1…5 days, but that's not my style. Things we have learned about Sarah in the past 24 hours: She hates being corrected, she is not patient and when she gets rejected by someone on an online dating service she quotes the country-singing Iranian princess from the amazing but ill-fated E! reality classic, " Love is in the Heir."
Oh Ann Claire. You always knew just what to say.
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Day 21
Oh dear god - Just READING my gmail with all of the match.com business in the middle of my parents' kitchen down in AZ made me feel like I was trying to hide a drug addiction...except instead of needles and paraphernalia it was winks and awkward e-mails. I won't bore you with details except to say that only by the grace of god did I managed to grab the message sent to me by yet another 31 year-old off the printer that I accidentally printed out instead of my flight information before my father saw it.
One of these days he is going to find out and I am going to have some 'splaining to do.
But until then...
So the guy who winked at me with the emoticon at the end of the profile? Yeah, turns out he wasn't being ironic - Note the FIRST SENTENCE of the email he sent me:
"First off I don't mean to be mean or anything but I don't know that a penguin is a water-based mammal :-P"
Okay.
1) ENOUGH WITH THE EMOTICONS. You are a 24 year-old man. You should have outgrown the tongue-sticking-out-smiley-face by now. Figure out a different want to express your emotions...like sarcasm.
2) "I don't mean to be mean or anything"? Seriously? What is this, 5th grade and you're my friend Christine who would start out every other sentence to just about everybody including teachers with the words " no offence but..."? Come on.
3) Are you seriously correcting my profile in which I am clearly trying NOT to be serious? I don't know how much all you randos know about me, but just ask the person who I know who told you about my blog and they will tell you: I HATE BEING CORRECTED. I mean, I'm a reasonable person. If I'm wrong I'll admit it. But I mean, seriously? You're going to take issue with my assertion that I (a) like penguins and (b) think that penguins are mammals in sentence one? Next thing you know he'll be telling me to rethink that whole wanting-to-make-out-with-PC-from-the-Mac-commercials thing because I was wrong about that too...
OH WAIT.
"What if you got a chance to make out with PC from the mac commercials, but it was filmed to make a commercial would you still do it? Of course you would then be forced to watch the commercial there by forcing you to watch making out on TV. "
OH. NO. HE. DIDN'T.
Yes, yes he did.
I'm not even going to comment on that because...well mostly because I don't really understand what he's talking about. I mean, buddy...WHAT? How do you even come up with that situation?
Which leads me to the end of this little diatribe:
"Well I am bored and online a lot so if you want to chat sometime i'm on AIM at dragondogXXX"
THERE's the way to a girl's heart - Spends "a lot of time online" and is "bored" reads "has no job therefore leaving plenty of time to invent ridiculous Mac commercial scenarios" and is "friendless." Thanks but no thanks.
The other guy who responded actually seemed somewhat normal - Plus he's pretty cute. And he's 26 and not 30-38, which is tremendous. For all of us.
I'll keep you posted...but I swear to god, if he starts arguing with me about how awesome cats are, it. is. OVER.
Cats are the opposite of awesome. And penguins ARE mammals.
(Side note: I'm wrong. I just googled it. Penguins are birds, not mammals, so shut up to all you smartasses who were just cuing up the comment page to teach ME a thing or two. Dragon Dog up top already took care of it.)
One of these days he is going to find out and I am going to have some 'splaining to do.
But until then...
So the guy who winked at me with the emoticon at the end of the profile? Yeah, turns out he wasn't being ironic - Note the FIRST SENTENCE of the email he sent me:
"First off I don't mean to be mean or anything but I don't know that a penguin is a water-based mammal :-P"
Okay.
1) ENOUGH WITH THE EMOTICONS. You are a 24 year-old man. You should have outgrown the tongue-sticking-out-smiley-face by now. Figure out a different want to express your emotions...like sarcasm.
2) "I don't mean to be mean or anything"? Seriously? What is this, 5th grade and you're my friend Christine who would start out every other sentence to just about everybody including teachers with the words " no offence but..."? Come on.
3) Are you seriously correcting my profile in which I am clearly trying NOT to be serious? I don't know how much all you randos know about me, but just ask the person who I know who told you about my blog and they will tell you: I HATE BEING CORRECTED. I mean, I'm a reasonable person. If I'm wrong I'll admit it. But I mean, seriously? You're going to take issue with my assertion that I (a) like penguins and (b) think that penguins are mammals in sentence one? Next thing you know he'll be telling me to rethink that whole wanting-to-make-out-with-PC-from-the-Mac-commercials thing because I was wrong about that too...
OH WAIT.
"What if you got a chance to make out with PC from the mac commercials, but it was filmed to make a commercial would you still do it? Of course you would then be forced to watch the commercial there by forcing you to watch making out on TV. "
OH. NO. HE. DIDN'T.
Yes, yes he did.
I'm not even going to comment on that because...well mostly because I don't really understand what he's talking about. I mean, buddy...WHAT? How do you even come up with that situation?
Which leads me to the end of this little diatribe:
"Well I am bored and online a lot so if you want to chat sometime i'm on AIM at dragondogXXX"
THERE's the way to a girl's heart - Spends "a lot of time online" and is "bored" reads "has no job therefore leaving plenty of time to invent ridiculous Mac commercial scenarios" and is "friendless." Thanks but no thanks.
The other guy who responded actually seemed somewhat normal - Plus he's pretty cute. And he's 26 and not 30-38, which is tremendous. For all of us.
I'll keep you posted...but I swear to god, if he starts arguing with me about how awesome cats are, it. is. OVER.
Cats are the opposite of awesome. And penguins ARE mammals.
(Side note: I'm wrong. I just googled it. Penguins are birds, not mammals, so shut up to all you smartasses who were just cuing up the comment page to teach ME a thing or two. Dragon Dog up top already took care of it.)
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