Day 28

When I mentioned last week to a co-worker that I hadn’t been winked at in what felt like decades (actual time: 3 or 4 days) she told me I needed to update my profile so that I got cycled back up to the top of the cyberheap.

‘No!’ I cried. ‘I loooove my profile. It’s so witty and hilarious and awesome!’

And then I started thinking…It’s also crazy long, contains factual inaccuracies (I refer you to the penguin/mammal/bird debacle from last week) and is extremely, almost heart-breakingly specific…plus on 2nd glance it’s not that awesome. I also hated my ‘headline’ (‘Someone More Hilarious than Me.’) While it did state what exactly I am looking for, it also makes me sound like the arrogant bratface that I am…and we are NOT ready for all that cyber-man-meat to see my bratface. That is better saved for an in-person meeting…or marriage, whichever comes first.

So I did it.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you: My New Improved Profile. (Please note the blog shout-out at the bottom. You are welcome.)

Please feel free to leave comments as to how it could be improved upon. Also, as of right now my headline is as follows:

Awesomeness and Hilarity Required

How do we feel about that? I kind of hate it and I’m going to need to keep making these damn changes if I want to stay on top of the cyberheap, so for REALS this time, sent along some advice.

And now…my new profile:

Hi there! My name is Sarah and I love Caddyshack, Jack Black, dogs and Bud Light. I hate the dentist, emoticons, unnecessary exclamation points and the feel of raw meat. I was on a bowling team for 3 years in college called “Busch League Balls” but I still rarely break 100. I love elephants, sea otters, penguins and Law & Order. I like to sleep with a fan on, even in the dead of winter. My favorite meal is breakfast and my favorite restaurant is any establishment that serves breakfast 24 hours a day. I don’t care for zoos but I really like aquariums. Cats terrify me. I have bad dreams based solely on advertisements for horror movies, particularly all PG-13 scary movies like The Others or The Mothman Prophesies. I love champagne. I hate watching people make out on reality TV.

The only quality I really care about in my cybermate is absolute, genius-level, pee-your-pants hilarity. With that said, it would be tremendous if he were also smart and okay with teaching me how to play video games. I see him as the kind of person who practices his golf swing in his living room while watching the Masters but doesn't actually play golf; however, if he could help me with my goal of breaking 100 at the ol’ alley, that would be fantastic. He is outgoing and charming and he can fix things like my toilet that flushes roughly 12 times for every one time I push down the handle. He likes his parents. He is, generally speaking, awesome.

(Side note: The above qualities are merely loose guidelines. If you play golf and are hilarious, or if you aren’t in to fixing toilets and are hilarious, or if you don’t look like Jack Black and are hilarious, that’s totally fine with me. Awesomeness and hilarity are non-negotiable, though. Sorry Un-Funny Lame Guy.)

It’s okay to look, guys. It’s also okay to wink.

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Ok now that I’ve read it I kind of still hate it.

I’ll leave it for now, but honestly. SEND SOME ADVICE. I’m struggling here with my lack of winks and trying-too-hard-profiles.