Day 7

Oh my goodness! My week anniversary! And how did I celebrate it? With a GENERIC MATCH.COM MESSAGE. Oh chicagohunk21 (seriously, with that screenname? Seriously?) with your child and baby mama drama...could you really not have taken the extra 46 seconds to personalize your message/wink combo instead of just blatantly mass-winking the entire female match.com population between the ages of 20 and 24? Did you even look to see if we were compatible? Let me answer that for you. No, you didn't. How do I know? Let me count the ways:

1) You have a child. I mean, ain't no shame in that game, but I specifically said that I'm not looking for someone with children. For God's sake, the creepy 49 year old didn't have children! I understand that you are, apparently, a hunk, but please. Keep it in your pants.
2) You are 22. I (again) specifically said I was looking for guys between the ages of 23-30. Now, clearly the men of match.com don't pay all that much attention to my preferred age range (I'll point to exhibits "Day 5" and...well just Day 5 because Day 6 was totally my fault...and a little bit the green beer's fault. Thanks to Lesli for pointing that out.) But still...at least READ my profile before mass-winking me.
3) You didn't graduate from college. Again, ain't no shame in that game, but yet again, I specifically said I wanted someone with at least a bachelor's degree.
4) Ok I didn't mention this in my profile, but I HATE SEINFELD. HATE IT. And you love it. So that's out.

Now, you might be wondering how I know he mass-messaged me. Well, let me tell you a little something about myself. I do my fair share of mass-messaging in my life...that's right, a whoooole lotta mail merging coming out of this girl. And if there's one thing I know, it's what a mass message looks like. And it looks like your message. And here's the clincher - He mentions my "short profile." Guess what kids? Never in my life have I been accused of being short...or at least in the sense that I am the most long-winded person on the planet. I mean, scroll down a bit. Note how long each of these posts are. That's right, they're looooong. And so is my profile. In fact, you have seen my profile. You know that it's like 1,000 words long. And he thinks that this so-called "short profile" makes me sound "sweet, smart, and compassionate." Really? Really chicagohunk21? Smart? Okay, yeah maybe in the sense that it's smart-ASS. Sweet? Sure, okay why not, though I don't really see what's sweet about Jack Black and video games. Compassionate? Not even a little bit, unless he mistook that whole land/sea mammal thing for an actual interest in animals/the environment because in that case he CLEARLY doesn't know me at all. I mean, I'm the girl that drives the bagel place that is literally - absolutely no exaggeration here - a stone's throw from my office building. And I throw like a girl, too.

I'm just saying.