Day 14

First off, let me just apologize to my loyal reader for not posting the last 3 days. I went back to the homeland for the weekend and was simply too busy to pay attention to my online dating life/blog.

LIES. I was just too embarrassed to update my blog/log on to match.com on my parents’ computer, which is conveniently located smack-dab in the middle of our living room.

(I actually tried twice, but the first time my dad walked in and started aggressively reading over my shoulder because he thought I was checking out my progress on my NCAA bracket. No, Dad, I’m actually online trying to meet a man. Would you like to sit down over a cup of tea and strumpets and talk about that? No? You wouldn’t? Me neither. Now go watch the game highlights on ESPN 34 like a normal person.)

(Oh, and go Florida.)

(FYI: The second time I thought somebody was walking in but it turned out to just be my dog but then I had already closed the window and was too lazy to open the browser and re-type the link and re-sign in and blah blah blah.)

So anyway, my apologies to Kendall. In the future I will let you know in advance when I’m going to be taking a break from posting any of my personal tragedy for your enjoyment.

Despite the fact that I wasn’t constantly updating you all, I was thinking about you. And by you, I mean all the illiterate weirdos and medieval knights that have winked at me so far. See, I’ve done my fair share of winking myself, and let me tell you, I'm not going to virtually put myself out there like that for just anyone. Each guy was carefully scrutinized and judged, and they each seemed really...well, passable, and more importantly, attractive. (For those of you who don’t know me, my definition of “attractive” is probably not the same as yours. Just so we’re on the same page here, I’ll give you a few examples: I think Eric from MTV's Infernos I and II is attractive. You would most likely beg to differ. (Actually I think he’s so attractive I signed up for MySpace just so I could be his friend, but then I lost my nerve so now I’m only friends with 4 people, and 1 of them is technically a cat. But I digress.) I think Jack Black is attractive. I’m going to go ahead and guess that again, you would disagree with me. I thought every single guy on the football team at my college was – and is (call me!) - attractive, include the one who wore mesh shorts when he ran out of underwear instead of doing laundry and peed in to an open window of a freshman dorm…and inside a rather small elevator…and one time when we were walking back to his dorm room from a party…just for the heck of it. I can tell you right now that most normal people find the vast majority of those guys decidedly unattractive. (And here, when I say “normal people” I’m talking about my college roommates, who, for those of you who know them, know that use of the term “normal” in this context is debatable))

(Love you guys)

So anyway, I’ve winked at probably 10-15 dudes at this point, and only one of them (Mr. Emoticon) has bothered to contact me. What GIVES? I mean, we’re all on match.com here, fellas. I think we’ve officially reached one of those inevitable don’t-look-a-gift-horse-in-the-mouth moments. Let me just put it out there - I’m not bad looking, (plus I’m really photogenic which – hello – BONUS when it comes to online dating) I’m completely literate, most of the time I don’t smell bad, I almost always remember to brush my teeth and if I don’t I have a back-up at my desk just in case which means I’m also very organized and on top of things and I've never left a Ziploc bag of poop on a guy's kitchen counter. (But I know someone who haaaas!) I am a veritable internet dreamboat! And yet, just like in the real world, there seems to be a match.com hierarchy. The guys who played football and lacrosse in college (and with screen names like “laxman345” and “QB_NIU” it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out who they are…or why I heart them) are just not that in to me, whereas the guys with full-sleeve tattoos and in-home jousting rings are all up on me.

So does that make me the medieval knight to their sarcastic blond cyber-dater?

Oh dear god.

Am I their guy-wearing-pleather-in-his-profile-picture?